I accidentally burped into my bong.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
