Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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