STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
