is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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