I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
