nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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