I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
