So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
