as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
