If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
