Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
