I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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