Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
a search helicopter?!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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