you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it's like heaven, but drunker
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
