im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
