Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
