he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
