Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
