Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
