I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
