she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
