All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
How's work?
Spinning.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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