As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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