If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
