Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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