I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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