worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
