Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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