he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
