Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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