Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
