Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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