so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
