Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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