Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
