i permit you to call me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
