Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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