He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
