I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
