checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
