Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
