Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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