just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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