I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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