Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
