My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
