Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
