he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
