I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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