i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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