What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
