Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
